Are you in this thing together?
I’m hoping to catch a lot of you before you actually combine sperm with egg and make a small person. Being a parent is NOT something that comes naturally, and it’s not something that you can learn from acting like the people on your favorite TV show. You are also probably not going to learn how to do it from reading a book, or listening to your mother in law’s advice. It’s hard shit, it’s fraught with turmoil (inner and outer), it’s a long, dusty, pukey road. In the end, if you’re lucky, you’ll have raised a human being who isn’t too screwed up; you know, like you were (come on… admit it; you blame your parents for some negative attributes of your personality or mental health!)
This could be the beginning of the end of your relationship with your partner! But it doesn’t have to be…
But you know what’s even harder than being a parent? Parenting with another person! That’s right… most children have two parents, and they are going to have to learn to raise a child together if they don’t want to mess that kid up even worse.
First big mistake: Having a child that only one parent wanted. You’ve heard the stories… “He poked a hole in the condom.” “She stopped taking her birth control without telling me.” “He said he couldn’t have kids.” My story? Dad says that I was a last ditch effort to save my parents’ failing marriage. It didn’t work out so good; they divorced months after I was born. Honestly, women are the worst at this… they really think that the person with the penis will suddenly turn into daddy and husband material the moment they find out that they have helped to conceive a child. But girls, look at history… how often does that work out? Pretty much never. And your guy will probably not be any different.
Having a kid together is a HUGE undertaking. An endeavor that will suck most of your finances, your time, your energy, and your sanity, and will continue to do so for at least 18 years. Don’t get me wrong; it’s an amazing journey, and I wouldn’t trade my two daughters for anything, but my husband and I were committed and ‘ready’ to sacrifice chunks of our life in order to create and raise small people.
We discussed having children, and I don’t mean that it was casually mentioned over ramen noodles and tequila one night, I mean we talked about everything and then some for many hours before ditching the birth control and condom. We made sure that we were ready, especially emotionally, to turn our lives upside down.
Second big mistake: Assuming that your partner will have the same discipline styles that you have. Think about this; how many different ways can one situation be handled? You walk into your four year old’s bedroom to find that they have brought a new jar of peanut butter and spread it over their furnishings, clothing, walls, and themselves. How will you handle it? What would your partner do? Would your reactions be similar? Would they be complimentary? Or would you laugh, start cleaning up and then duck when your partner sees the mess and flips his or her shit? When your teen is ready to think about having sex, will one of you demand abstinence while the other secretly passes out condoms?
Again… you’re going to have to talk. And talk, and talk some more. Mull over hypothetical situations together, as well as the situations that you know are going to happen. Read books about psychology, learn some of the best ways to not screw up your child’s psyche, and then meld your parenting styles into one. One of the worst things that you can do to your kid’s head is to have one parent have a polar opposite view and reaction to something; like when your two year old says “Fuck!” for the first time. If one parent smacks the child and sticks a bar of soap in this/her mouth, while the other uses the common sense, more gentle approach. (We just acted like we didn’t know what the word meant, and Carmen stopped using on her own. Now that she’s older, she knows that it is a word that adults use, but that will get her in big trouble in school and public.)
“I carried the baby for more than nine months. Your turn!”
Third big mistake: Assuming that one of you will do *this,* while the other does *that.* Simple scenarios include; who writes the check to make sure that Timmy has lunch money? Who will have the bread winning job? Who, if anyone, will stay home when baby is still tiny? If jobs, chores, and roles aren’t discussed, then things don’t get done, or get done twice, and resentment starts to build up. As life changes and baby grows, stay on top of what happens daily, weekly, monthly. Make sure stuff gets done and no one feels like they are doing all of it. Lists and charts aren’t corny, and they are helpful. Don’t be afraid to use them.
Fourth big mistake: Not talking about really important stuff before it comes up. If you have a boy, will you circumcise him? You might already have your answer, and so may your partner, but they might not be the same answer. This means that there will be an argument, and it might come seconds after your new baby boy is born. Will your child be raised in a particular religion? Which one; yours or your spouse’s? Are you a vegan and your partner a carnivore? Will the baby eat animal products? Will they be raised bilingual? Will they be vaccinated? Pierced? Breastfed? You cannot assume that you will agree on these topics, and you will HAVE to talk about everything before that fetus hits the outside world.
Do you see a theme here? COMMUNICATION. If you can’t do it before the baby is born, or even conceived, then chances are good that you will not be able to magically do it when baby pops out and issues arise. In fact, when stress is high, it is pretty much the WORST time to learn how to talk to one another rationally. And being sleep deprived, and the middle of the chaos a little baby somehow induces (especially if it is your first) definitely counts as high stress.
Fifth big mistake: “Well, shit. We had a baby together and now we have to stay together.” Do you know how kids learn to have a relationship? By watching the people around them having a relationship. If you guys are done, and your relationship is beyond repair, then be done. Divorce and find happiness, either alone or with another person. And yeah, I know that it isn’t as easy said as done, but splitting up a broken relationship is the best thing you can do for your kiddo. Otherwise, they will learn that it’s ok to live in a miserable situation, and the stress in the household will wear them down.
On the other hand, if you think that the relationship can be saved (and when I say ‘you,’ I mean BOTH OF YOU), then seek help, and learn how to heal yourselves. There are so many ways of getting professional help for couples, and it doesn’t have to be expensive. Depending on the kids’ ages, let them know what’s going on… keeping your children in the dark is also pretty horrible for their psyche, and knowing that adults aren’t infallible is actually *good* for them. “Mommy and Daddy (or Daddy and Daddy or whatever your family is made of) are having problems with talking to one another, so we’re going to learn how to do it nicely.”
Which could lead to Sixth big mistake: Screaming at one another in front of your children. Do you want your kid to grow up thinking that yelling is how people resolve daily issues? If you are having problems speaking rationally with your partner, then seek help! There are counselors that work for free or cheap and will be able to give you the basic tools to settle your differences without being passive aggressive, flaring your tempers, or engaging in irrational behavior. Effective communication, if you haven’t practiced it, is surprisingly difficult and unnatural to pull off in the heat of a disagreement. It takes skill, training and practice.
It’s my humble opinion that most people who either contribute semen or shoot a baby out of their vag should have to take an intensive course on child rearing before bringing baby home, or even conceiving. But folks have told me that that’s a little extreme, so this post is second best. PLEASE do your best (no such thing as perfect!) to learn about raising a child – physically, emotionally, etc. And pass your knowledge on to your partner, then TALK about it. All of it. Head to bed early and talk in the dark. Take car rides to no where and chat. Lay on the ground, watch the stars, and discuss. There is a lot of stuff ahead of you, and you need to make sure Right Now that you are ready to tackle this crap together, because raising a person is not… child’s play.
One Fierce Mama 